just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
