dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
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Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.