I faked an abortion last night.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
