I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
