I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
