U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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