I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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