Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
