We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
