her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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