Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
smell my finger.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
