first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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