it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
