Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
There are leaves in my underwear?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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