haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
