i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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