Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize