I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
