By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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