i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
