it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
