dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
