At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So much rum. So many feels.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
