remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
