Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
