my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
