Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
