"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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