Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
