had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
