the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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