What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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