So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
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My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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