i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
