Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
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he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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