I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
