Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
