Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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