Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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