Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
