She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
