i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
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She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
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i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick