My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
