Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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