he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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