ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
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Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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