just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
