I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
