You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
