I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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