You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
