my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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